Beautiful Life

Love Gives Me Hope

2010-09-05T02:21:00.005-04:00

I'm back!!!

So...it's been FOREVER and a day since I've last made a blog entry. A lot has been happening in life, and it was just too much for me to update, I guess. ><;

Hmm...what's new?

COLLEGE. I am currently a student at NC State University. I am loving college right now. It's good to be able to just start all over with a clean slate. I am also a member of a hip-hop/cultural dance crew at NCSU called Fusion. It's also the best dance crew on campus. ~_^ I'm starting to become accustomed to the college life. I haven't really been partying, but I think my current college life is still fun. ^_^

NEW HOME. I'm actually staying at a place right outside of campus. Campus is literally across the street. Haha! I love it here though. The food and rooms are a lot better than what's offered on campus. We have our own dining hall, swimming pool, pool tables, a lot of vending machines, laundry room, fitness room, house-keeping, etc. There are four operating elevators too. My friend jokes that I stay in a hotel. He insists on calling this place "Holiday Inn." XD But yeah, my side of the room has been pretty empty...well...the walls, at least. I've finally brought some posters from home to put up. My sister even randomly dug up a SUPER OLD poster of Rain (비). I bought that poster AGES ago; I completely forgot it existed. O__o

ROOMMATE. I really like my roommate. Her name is Amie. :) She's really nice, and we have a lot of things in common. One of the most important things: we're both kids at heart. I'm so glad about that because I was afraid my roommate would be like "WTF?" if I ever suggested for us to watch a Disney movie or something. ^^;

FUSION. Dance has pretty much taken over my life recently. I've been spending a lot of time practicing dances for Fusion. I love the Fusion fam already. Everyone is really friendly and approachable. I love how the crew really does have a family vibe, and the entire group is so talented. I'm super excited that I made the team. Fusion Love; Fusion for Life. ♡

SINGING. Actually, I haven't done much singing since I got to college. It's hard to sing when you have a roommate and you're living in a dorm. I've decided not to audition for the choir. I don't really think it's my style, and the reason I was in choir from 5th through 12th grade was because that was the only way I was able to sing in school everyday. I love to sing, and that was pretty much the only chance for me to perform. I think I have finally found a place to sing and record videos: our music center. There are little rooms for people to practice in. I think I'll just bring my Mac in there one day and just record videos. I miss singing, so that should be fun. ^_^

BANANA GRAMS! I am obsessed with this game, and I'm not afraid to admit it. If you've never played it, you need to. It's kind of like Scrabble, except it's much better. Haha! ^o^ This game is so intense. I LOVE LOVE LOVE IT!!! Hehe~

LADY GAGA. JUSTIN BIEBER. Two concerts that are waiting for me. :) I can't wait.

LUDACRIS. Luda is coming to perform at NC State. All NCSU students were able to get a ticket for free. I love Luda. This is going to be amazing. I saw him back in February when he opened for the Black Eyed Peas, and it was so EPIC. I'm really looking forward to this. It's going to be siiiiick.

YOUTUBE. I've been watching a lot of YouTube videos lately. That makes me sound like I have no life. T^T But I can't help it if there are some YouTubers that I really like. ><; I really like RayWilliamJohnson, glozell1, MichellePhan (of course!), and jayparkaom (another given). One of my all-time favorites, however, is DEFINITELY ItsKingsleyBitch. This guy is probably my favorite person on YouTube. He's hilarious. XD

LOVE. If you've read other posts of my blog, it's possible that you may be wondering about a certain someone whose name begins with the letter J and ends with ason. There's really not much to update though. Everything is always like a roller-coaster with this kid. Touchy subject. Complicated situation. Never-ending story.

LOVE GIVES ME HOPE. I came across this AMAZING website today called Love Gives Me Hope. It's a collection of cute/sweet things that have happened to people. I found a lot of the posts very touching. As a matter of fact (I'm going to sound like a big softie), I was sitting here reading them, and I couldn't help but cry. I guess I was overwhelmed by all the...love. It's good to know that even in this superficial world that we live in today...true love still exists and is acknowledged and appreciated. This website is absolutely correct: "Love gives me hope."

♫ Just The Way You Are - Bruno Mars

GLEE

2010-04-26T00:54:00.009-04:00

As I am typing this blog, I am uploading my videos for my audition for the TV show Glee. I don't really know how I stand with the competition, but I figured it wouldn't hurt. Plus, I knew that my friend would be very angry at me if I didn't...so I just recorded a video. Haha! But the thing is...this is taking FOREVER AND A DAY!!! OH MY GOD!!! >_<; I'm just uploading my statement video! Who knows how long the video where I actually sing is going to take?! O_o I may not be sleeping tonight...

Actually, I wasn't planning on sleeping in the first place...>_<; I have a six weeks test/exam for AP Biology tomorrow. I really need to study!!! I am going to be reading my AP Biology book and study guide like there is no tomorrow tonight! I need to get some food, so I can eat at the same time to keep myself awake. Hopefully, that will work. ^_^; I can't deny that that is my favorite class though. I must sound like such a nerd, but I can't help it! I used to despise biology, which makes the whole thing just extremely ironic. =S

Hmm...life lately has been...quite confusing.

It's been a month since the opening night of our musical (Beauty and the Beast). I miss it so much!!! T_T I miss wearing my Belle costumes...

Jason and I are...I don't even really know what's going on, honestly. We were pretty much a couple for a week. Well, it wasn't official, but we acted just like a couple. I guess it just really bothers me that he hasn't really done anything to try and "win me over" since he already knows how I feel about him. Right now, we're just friends, but it's hard. It's really hard to know that the two of you like each other but aren't together for whatever reason. I don't know what will become of us, but only time will tell.

EXCITING NEWS!

There are two things that I'm really excited about:

-We're singing the Glee version "Don't Stop Believing" in choir!
and
-My concert is going to be on May 21st!!!

All three of our choirs are going to be doing a gigantic "full cast" number of "Don't Stop Believing!" That is one of my FAVORITE songs on Earth! ^_^ I auditioned for a solo, but I'm not sure if I'm gonna get it. Oh well, it doesn't really matter. I just love the song!

Next thing: I finally have a set date for my concert! May 21st is the magic date! I can't wait!!! Right now, I am in the process of so much planning! I took some pictures today for the posters. I'm going to have some people in my first period photoshop them tomorrow and actually design the poster. I will be taking more pictures throughout the week, and by the end of the week, I will have chosen all the poster designs that I want and have them printed. ^_^ Also, I've assembled a little glee club at my school that will be performing at my concert. I have very high hopes for this concert. Hopefully, everything will run as smoothly as possible.

Here's a few of the pictures that I really liked:

♫ Don't Rain on my Parade - Barbra Streisand

Call It a Splurge...

2010-03-02T09:03:00.003-05:00

I bought this SUPER adorable Hello Kitty flash drive! It was like thirty something dollars, but it has a memory of 4GB. Plus, it'll come in handy. ^_^ Call it a splurge, but at least I ordered something that is school related. Haha! XD

Does anyone watch The Office? I love that show! It's so hilarious! I've been watching it A LOT lately. I love all the characters. Plus, Pam and Jim are so adorable. ^^

I've realized that I suck at replying letters. My friend that lives in VA Beach and I have decided that we want to write letters to each other. I always take forever to reply. T_T As a result, I end up having really long letters. Haha!

Random: "H.A.T.E.U." by Mariah Carey is a very good song. I'm listening to it right now. =P

Hmm...I really wanna change up my blog...but I don't know how. Help? I guess I could just go and Google it or something. Haha!

Alice in Wonderland comes out on Friday!!! I'm really excited! It looks awesome, and it's gonna be in 3D too! ^_^ I can't wait to go see it. Jason can't go this weekend...so I think I'm just gonna wait until he can go. I don't really want to go see it with anyone else, and if I have to, I'll watch it again with Jason. ^^ I must admit...the movie does look kinda freaky though, but I still wanna watch it SO badly!

So...lately, I've been looking at www.foodnetwork.com a lot. It really makes me want to cook again! I guess I'm gonna end up going through my cooking phase again. Hehe! Maybe that means I'll have pictures to put on here of the food I make! The lighting in my house it HORRIBLE...but it's all good. I'll still take the pictures lol! XD

I love Tuesdays and Thursdays. We have long second periods, and do you know what that means?! Two hours of my online class! Yay!!! ^_^v

Man, this is a really random blog...again. >.< But hey! A lot of blogs are pretty random anyway...^^;

♫ Always Be My Baby - Mariah Carey

The Ugly Truth

2010-02-28T15:45:00.005-05:00

So...how's life everyone? ^_^

I've been really tired lately, but there's one person who can make everything better...even without trying. That's Jason. <3 Man, sometimes I really wonder why in the world I love this kid so much. We went out to eat on Saturday, and I think it was the second time he's ever paid for my food. That kind of made me smile on the inside. ^_^ He always brightens my day, and he makes me do things that I've never done before. For instance, I've never texted during musical rehearsal...until I texted him. That was only once though. I'm very dedicated. ^_^v Also, I've never texted in chorus either...until I texted him. Those are just some examples...pretty dumb examples but examples, nonetheless. Once again, I'm going to stop with the pathetic and sappy love talk.

Well, the title of this post is The Ugly Truth. I just finished watching that movie for the first time. I actually really liked it! ^^ It was pretty funny. I'd definitely recommend it to anyone who hasn't seen it. Some of the stuff that he says is very true, I must say. Gerard Butler is so hot. I love him in movies. He's actually in one of my FAVORITE movies, P.S. I Love You. I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE that movie. I'd also recommend that movie to anyone who hasn't seen it yet. ^_^

Sorry, this was a pretty pointless post. =P

Have an awesome day, everyone!

♫ Oh! (오) - 소녀시대 (Girls' Generation/SNSD)

OMG

2010-02-25T08:56:00.003-05:00

I'm sorry! It's been FOREVER since I've updated my blog! T_T I've been really busy and so much has been happening...it's been so crazy! Once again, drama with Jason and Jeffrey...but I think things will get better.

Hmm...let me just give you a brief outline of what's happened in the few months I've been absent from my blog...

-I saw Black Eyed Peas in concert!!! Ludacris was there too! Then spent the next day in Raleigh and just had adventures throughout the day. It was so awesome that everything was so spontaneous. ^_^
-Opening night for the musical is coming up soon! It's March 25, 26, and 27. It sounds like it's really far away, but it's gonna be here before we know it! I'm not sure if I've shared this already, but we're doing Beauty and the Beast this year. I play Belle! ^_^v
-We have an informal concert for choir next week, and festival is on March 12.
-Still getting ready for my benefit solo concert
-Jason <3

Other than that, I can't really think of anything else special that has happened. My life is so boring. T_T

Black Eyed Peas Concert

Anyway, BLACK EYED PEAS! OMG! That concert was absolutely AMAZING!!! LMFAO and Ludacris opened the show for them. Ludacris definitely got the crowd going. There were three negative things about the concert though:
1. Some girl was escorted out by the police. I guess she had too much to drink or something. They put her in handcuffs and put a bag over her head. Then they strapped her down on a stretcher. It was so weird...
2. These girls next to us kept moving back and forth like every ten minutes or so to go get drinks. It was SO annoying! I mean, I don't know about them...but I paid to go watch a concert, and they were getting in my way. I was getting pretty angry.
3. Some people sitting in the upper level decided to pour their beer on us! What really got me upset was when I turned around and I saw that my posters were soaked. A manager at the RBC center got me replacements though, so I guess it's okay now...but that still kind of ruined my night for a while.

I got over all that really soon though. It was so fun! Everyone was so energized and just into the music. My favorite parts were:
-Performance of "Where is the Love?"
-Performance of "I Got a Feeling"
-Will.I.Am's DJ portion (that was SOOOOOOOOOO good OMG)
-Performance of "Pump It"
-Taboo and his motorcycle was pretty awesome ^_^
-Ludacris

Those were some of my favorite parts, but the whole thing was just awesome!

That night, we stayed in this awesome hotel. It's called Hotel Sierra. It was absolutely amazing! I'll post pictures later of the concert, hotel, and our adventures.

Adventures:
-We found an ampitheatre
-Gyros
-Nature trail

Musical

We're having night rehearsals now, so our rehearsal is pretty much from Monday to Thursday, every night from 5 to 8. I love musical rehearsal. ^_^ I'm so sad this year though because it's going to be my last year/musical. Oh yeah, Jason and Jeffrey are in pit band, and I'm really happy that they're actually talking to me. I've waited so long for all three of us to be involved in the musical production at the same time. The first few rehearsals with pit were horrible though. They didn't even look at me. Things are better now though...^_^

Informal Concert and Festival

We're having an informal concert for choir next Tuesday. It's going to be so bad. Our choir is only singing the pieces that we're taking to festival. I feel like we're so unprepared. I guess people just don't realize exactly how close festival is. I really hope that we do well, but from the looks of it right now, how we'll do is really questionable.

Solo Benefit Concert

I've finished learning the dance to BoA's "Energetic" and now I'm starting on learning "Eien/Forever (永遠)". The dancing is really fun but challenging at the same time. I must say, I'm quite proud of myself for my progress since I've never had any prior training in dance. ^^;

I've finally gotten the date! It's going to be on May 8th! Now I REALLY have to start working like crazy. I really need some ideas for fundraising though. Anyone have any ideas? I thought about selling candy. People always suggest car washes, but I don't know how successful that will be in this weather. >_< Please let me know if you have any cool ideas or suggestions! ^_^

Last but never least...

Jason

Sometimes it scares me how much power this boy has over me. I'm not quite sure what it is, but he has such a great effect on me. We're finally talking again and on a regular basis, so that's really good. ^_^ We're supposed to go have lunch on Saturday. I'm pretty happy about that. Sometimes I feel like my heart can fly when he's there. *sigh* I should stop now before I start sounding completely pathetic and sappy. >_<

Once again, I'm so sorry that I haven't been updating in so long, but I will try my best to update more regularly! ^^;

♫ I Got a Feeling - Black Eyed Peas

Home from the concert!~10.26.09

2009-10-26T20:24:00.004-04:00

I just got home from the concert band/jazz band concert. It was pretty good. I really liked this piece that concert band performed. It was called "Disney at the Movie." As for jazz band, I always enjoy everything they play. ^_^ I wanted to go and support Jeffrey, since I've only been to one band concert. He only said one word to me though: "Hey." I mean, I can't really complain because that's still better than what I had expected and was preparing for. I didn't think he was going to say anything to me; I didn't even think that he was really going to notice that I was there. I guess it's good that he acknowledged my existence. I told him "good job," and he just laughed...I can't decide whether it was because he didn't think they did a very good job, or if he thought I was being sarcastic. I truly believe that he knows I went for him though...whether he's in denial or not. I believe that; he's not that stupid.

Something hit me today. I can't get myself to focus on anything. My mind is so full with...stuff. I'm not myself; there's definitely something wrong with me. Take the spring musical for example. Anyone that knows me knows that I am really dedicated to our spring musical. I've been doing musicals every year since the 6th grade, and I've gotten a good number of lead roles. The sad thing is that we got our audition script and music about two weeks ago, and I just managed to make myself pick it up and look at it for the first time TODAY. I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like there's so much on my mind. I can't think straight. Normally, I would've had the audition piece and everything memorized from top to bottom, left to right, front to back. I would've watched the movie already and looked up the character analysis, but I've done nothing this year. I get sad every single time we sing "Music of My Heart" in Chamber Choir because it reminds me of Jeffrey. My friend Sara was talking about how every time we sang that song, she would picture her boyfriend busting through the door and tell her everything will be okay. (She and her boyfriend were going through some rough times.) When she said that, it made me realize how much I wanted that. I want Jeffrey to just come and tell me that everything will be okay. I really do. I nearly cried when we were singing that song today. I couldn't even sing all the words because I would start choking up. It was bad. Now I just randomly tear up because the thought of him telling me everything will be okay will just come to my mind whenever they please. It must sound really pathetic. >.<

Oh yeah, I drew pictures on the foggy windows of Jason's car today. I was bored, and he was doing homework. He was going to go to Books-A-Million (BAM), but we ended up just sitting in his car in the parking lot. -_-;

"Battlefield" by Jordin Sparks is one of Jason's new favorite songs, but he doesn't like to admit it.

My favorite by far...

♫ Music of My Heart - NSYNC feat. Gloria Estefan

Spirit Week~10.25.09

2009-10-23T05:49:00.011-04:00

This past week was spirit week at school. It was pretty fun. ^_^ Here's a picture of Jason and me on Tacky Twin Day. LOL XD

My favorite days HAVE to be Class Color Day and Green and Gold Day though because seniors get to wear our crowns!!! I'll have to take better pictures of my crown and shirts and post them up another day. They're washing right now. ^^; On Class Color Day, the colors are: Seniors - Blue, Juniors - Red, Sophomores - Black, Freshmen - Gray. Green and Gold Day is pretty self-explanatory. Green and gold are our school colors. :)

Who knows what Cheyenne and Sarah were doing...

...so we tried again. =P

Me and my favorite guard girl, Cierra!!! Even though it may not look like it, we weren't ready when Sam took this picture. XD

So we tried again too!!!

Sam and Me

Sam, Me, and Cierra

Sarah and Me

Seniors in Chamber Choir...we're a small group this year.

English Class

Michael and Me

Jason and Jeffrey in the three-legged race during field day

Jason getting owned XD

Green and Gold Day ^_^

Cierra

Keddrick and Me

Seniors on Green and Gold Day

Chamber Choir on Green and Gold Day

My co-worker and I went out to lunch today! ^_^ Afterwards, we went to the pet store and played with the cutest puppy ever!!! Then we went to the mall and he bought me something for my birthday since it's coming up soon (November 2nd!). He bought me Prada perfume for $100. I felt so bad! I told him not to, but he wouldn't listen. T_T I've never even smelled the scent before, so I have no clue what it smells like.

The Prada Perfume

PUPPY!!!

It was teething...^^;

♫ the Love Bug - m-flo ♥ BoA

6:52?!?!?! OH NO!!!!!!!!!~10.13.09

2009-10-13T15:03:00.004-04:00

I overslept badly this morning. >.< It was HORRIBLE. I'm a really deep sleeper, and it's even worse when I'm in the middle of a vivid dream. I woke up at 6:52AM this morning (YES...6:52AM), and the late bell rings at 7:15AM. Thankfully, I made it on time though. Man, I felt like such a beast. XD

I still don't really know what to sing for my performance on November 8th. I thought about singing "And I'm Telling You I'm Not Going." I sang that at our school's talent show my sophomore year. I ended up winning first place with that song. I haven't sang it in forever though. If I'm going to sing it, I'll need to practice...and practice...and practice some more. Hehe! ^^;

So apparently, we're taking our senior class group photo tomorrow. Thank goodness someone told me. I was about to go to school in sweats again like I've been doing since the third day of school. -_- I don't feel like for changing every day for fourth period (marching band), so I just go to school in work-out clothes. =P There's not really anyone that I need to impress at school anyways, so it's all good. I'll start wearing normal clothes again next month when we no longer have to practice the show everyday.

Also, I wrote a note to Jeffrey early last week...I finally gave it to him yesterday. I hate writing letters, but I'm just not brave enough to say some things face-to-face. I'm not sure how he took it...but we'll see. I miss him.

♫ Party in the USA - Miley Cyrus

I MADE IT!!!~10.12.09

2009-10-12T00:32:00.009-04:00

So...do you remember how I was talking about my audition? I MADE IT!!! I'm one of the 36 contestants for the teen vocalist competition! You can check it out at www.ripthehallways.com ^_^v I'm really excited! I get to perform in an actual coliseum!!! It's going to be a dream come true.

Also, my principal approved my solo benefit concert. It's going to be happening some time next year...probably in April.

Jason and I are talking again. Things with Jeffrey, on the other hand, haven't changed. I actually found out that he still likes this girl that he's liked for years who will never give him the time of day. It really hurts me to know that because he deserves so much more than what she has to offer. He could do a lot better. He deserves a lot better. On a brighter note, he actually gave me a real hug for the first time in forever when I told him that I'm a contestant on Friday night. It may not sound like a lot, but it made me really happy.

I was looking on Strapya the other day, and I found these really cute cell phone decorations. I'm so tempted to buy some, but I think I'll wait until next month. It'll be my little birthday present to myself, I guess. Hehe! ^^;

Well, it's been a while...I think it's finally time for some PICTURES!!! Get ready for picture overload! XD

Me & Kris

My Hero <3

My new coat from Express ^_^

Me & Jason at the concert

♫ Now That She's Gone - JJ Lin

Busy Busy Busy~09.25.09

2009-09-25T23:31:00.003-04:00

Wow! I haven't updated my blog in FOREVER!!! Britney was AMAZING by the way. ^^

A lot has been happening. Two people that were previously mentioned in my blog actually apologized for being jerks. It was really unexpected. I'm still a bit speechless about it. The hilarious thing is that they apologize and then continue acting the same way. -_- So why did they even bother apologizing in the first place?

Life has been pretty repetitive. School, work, home, occasional football game, etc. Our first marching band competition is a week from tomorrow!!! Time is going to fly. I'm pretty nervous about it too. =X

Also, I have an audition tomorrow for a singing competition called Rip the Hallways. I'm not sure if I'll make it to the next round, but I figured it's worth a try.

Side note: MY SENIOR PROJECT TOPIC GOT APPROVED!!! YAY!!! THIS MEANS I CAN DO MY CONCERT AND EVERYTHING! <(^_^<) <(^_^)> (>^_^)> I've decided to hold the benefit concert for the Make a Wish Foundation. ^^v

Anyways...time for bed! I have to wake up early tomorrow for the audition. >.< Wish me luck! I'll try to update my blog a little more and post up the pics from Britney's awesome concert and other daily random moments of my life. =P

♫ I Will Be Your Friend - Coco Lee

BRITNEY TOMORROW!!!~09.04.09

2009-09-04T15:51:00.002-04:00

I get to see Britney Spears tomorrow!!! It's my first concert. I'm so excited!!! ^^ I'll post pictures when I get back. Hehe! ^^;

♫ Circus - Britney Spears

I couldn't resist~08.29.09

2009-08-30T00:05:00.009-04:00

I just did some online shopping...I'm so excited!!!

I bought this Miu Miu dress. I'm going to wear it at my solo concert that I'm holding in my school's auditorium at the end of the school year. I'm so exctied!!! I can't wait! ^^ Now that I have the dress, I need to look for accessories to match it. I'll probably go on a search on Zipia.

I also bought this. It's a purple cell phone case for the HTC Hero that I have yet to buy. Haha! It was only $5.99 though. I'll be buying the phone soon. =P

Random: This is the bruise I got from tossing my flag on Friday. (It looks a lot better in the picture than it does in person, by the way.) The flag is a lot bigger than the ones that we are used to, and I couldn't see the tab. I was too distracted by the giant flag. -_-;

T_T

♫ Working It Out - Hilary Duff

First Home Game Tonight~08.28.09

2009-08-28T22:33:00.003-04:00

We had our first home football game tonight. It was raining though. T_T I ended up getting so soaked. Marching band had to perform in the rain, and I could barely toss my flag because it was drenched. Overall, I think everyone did alright considering all the factors. Marching band went inside before the game was over, but I'm pretty sure we won because we were winning by a lot the last time I checked the scoreboard in the third quarter. I guess I'll find out on Monday.

Things between Jason, Jeffrey, and I are getting a little better, I guess. Jason and I talk pretty much how we normally do now. I've learned to watch my words around him; he's learned to be a butthole, but I've already addressed to him my thoughts about that. On the other hand, Jeffrey and I still rarely speak. It's really depressing. I miss talking to him. It's just...I never know what to say because he never seems to be interested in anything I'm saying, and he never comes up to me to start a conversation. I mean...things have gotten a little better. It's still a working process though. We seem to be slowly moving forward after staying in the same place for what seemed like forever. I don't think that we'll ever get back to how it used to be though. Who knows? Life is always full of surprises.

I really hope I don't catch a cold from transitioning from the rain into the freezing school hallway. T_T That won't be good.

Oh yeah! I'm totally having a countdown to when I'm going to go watch Britney Spears in concert! I'M SO EXCITED!!! It's going to be my first concert. ^^ ONE MORE WEEK LEFT!!! ^^v

♫ 니가 밉다 (I Hate You) - 2PM

What have I done?~08.22.09

2009-08-23T02:31:00.008-04:00

It wasn't until yesterday that it hit me hard. I finally knew how it felt to be alone. I finally knew how it felt without my friends. Jason and Jeffrey were my best friends; however, things aren't like that anymore. They still have each other, but they've both left me. At school, I have a lot of people that I talk to and get along with very well, but they are still only acquaintances in my eyes. Even though I can feel comfortable telling some of them things that are happening in my life...it's just not the same as how my friendship was with Jason and Jeffrey.

Jeffrey. I used to tell Jeffrey everything. He was the first person that would come to mind whenever something big or small happened in my life. He was the person I knew that I could count on and run to. It was a special connection that I never found with many people...if anyone. I'm not sure why or how it turned out to be like that, but that's just how it's always been. Even until this very moment, there are things that I've told Jeffrey that I haven't told anyone else. I knew that Jeffrey was always there for me, and I felt comfortable around him. Now, I'm scared to speak to him even though there is so much I want to tell him. I'm scared that maybe he just doesn't want to hear any of it anymore. I'm scared to talk to him about anything because I don't want him to get angry. I'm scared that I'll say the wrong thing. I'm scared to push him away even more. This picture of him really gets to me...it reminds me of how happy I was to see him open the gift I gave him...and to see him wearing a shirt that I gave him. I'll probably never get to see him wear that track jacket, hoodie, or any of the shirts again. Just the thought of it really makes me sad.

Jason. Jason and I have known each other since second grade. I think I can honestly say that I know him better than anyone else does. Jason was someone that I had planned on keeping in my life for the rest of my life; however, I've managed to push him away too. He put up with all my crap, and I know exactly why he did it. You know, it sounds a bit contradicting that I said that I wanted to keep him in my life forever, but I gave him crap and ended up pushing him away. Truth is...as stupid as it sounds...I really needed to know if he'd stay. I needed to know when he'd snap. I needed to know what his limit was...that way I'd never reach or go past it ever again. Sound dumb...I know. As expected, now that I found out the limit...I'll never even have the chance to get near it again because he won't forgive me. I understand...because I can't forgive myself either.

Outside of my family, Jason and Jeffrey were two of the most important people in my life. As a matter of fact, they still are. I love them. I would do anything for them...really, I would. I'm sorry for all the times I ever caused you guys to question how I really viewed our friendship. I think Jeffrey always knew that I'd do anything for him. Jason, on the other hand, often had second thoughts. I couldn't blame him though. Judging from the way I treated him, I would've questioned it, too, if I were him.

The past year was really crazy. Honestly, I don't know what in the world came over me. I was a totally different person from how I was before. I changed a lot. I became very insecure about our friendship. I was really scared of losing Jason and Jeffrey. My actions didn't show that though. It looked more like I was trying to get rid of them.

There were a lot of things that they did that hurt me though. What hurt even more was that they'd never understand why I was hurt or why it mattered. The thing is...everyone has different things that are important to them. What's important to one person may not be to someone else. Kris said something to me this morning...she said that your friends don't always have to agree with you, but they should at least respect what's important to you. She said that she wouldn't want to have friends that just thought that she was wrong all the time and didn't respect what she felt was important. Jason and Jeffrey never understood why certain things were so important to me. They actually became very frustrated because I kept getting upset over things that they'd do because I saw it as a big deal, but they didn't. We see different things as being important...but isn't that expected? Everyone has different things that matter to them. I don't like being left out. I really don't. That whole Kings Dominion trip really got to me. I'm not going to lie. At first, I thought I was okay with it...but it hit me hard. I mean...if you really think about it...it doesn't really matter to me that it may have not been intentional...fact is...you planned around everyone's schedule and then refused to plan around mine. That's what I can't get over. I mean...you do realize that we have until November 1st to use those tickets. I mean...now that you guys have all used your tickets, am I supposed to expect you guys to go again with me? I still have that ticket in my wallet. What hurt even more was when Jason said that it was the same without me there. Speaking of which, Kris also said that stuff like this has happened to her before...and she just realized that it wasn't worth it if they didn't want her there. To think that you guys didn't even want me there enough to change the date really hurts too.

Maybe you think that I'm taking this all the wrong way, but seriously...try to look at this from my point of view...completely. You really can't blame me for thinking of it like that. Also, you guys always say that we've become this way because of me. If I'm not even important enough for you guys to change a date, how is it possible that all this happened because of me? How can I have such a huge effect on you guys? There's really no way that this is all one person's fault, which is why even though I am willing to apologize for all the wrong things I've done...I still refuse to take all the blame for it. It's like nobody ever thought about looking at it from another view...even I didn't think of this before.

Did you ever think that instead of me pushing you guys away...maybe you guys have been slowly pushing me away? It's really an eye-opener. For the longest time, I totally agreed with you guys. I thought that it was all my fault, so I thought of ways I could change. Then this hit me one day...and I pondered for a long time.

Jeffrey, I'll never be able to forget about that whole thing at China Garden. I'll never forget how much it hurt to sit there and listen to you yelling at me...in front of everyone...in public. Truthfully, I don't think that you ever really realized how wrong it was. I know you apologized and all...but I'm not sure that you know exactly why you apologized. I feel like you apologized because it seemed necessary. How could you yell at me and then sit down next to me and talk to me like you really cared about how I felt five minutes later? Me saying that probably makes you angry, but, seriously, think about it. If you really cared about how I felt, you wouldn't have yelled at me like that at that time and location in the first place. It's true. I can't think or talk about that day without tearing up...every single time. Yes, it hurt that much. One more thing...I think I was so upset because...I felt like all these girls found a place in your heart before I ever did...or ever will. It was all so effortless for them. I really felt like they could take my best friend from me in the blink of an eye or snap of a finger. That really scared me, and turns out...I was right to be scared...because what I felt was correct.

Jason, I'm really mad that you're turning into something so much like Jeffrey. There's things that you've done that hurt me too...and you know exactly what they are because I told you. You still never understood why I was hurt...but then again...that's pretty much the same deal with the both of you. I'm tired of hearing you say that you couldn't think of anything that you guys have ever done that could've pushed me away. That's saying that it's all my fault...just in different words. That's telling me that I've caused everything, which I really believe is impossible. Sure, I've done things that I shouldn't have done...and I've said things that I shouldn't have said...but haven't you guys done the same? Jeffrey once asked me if I think before I speak...and really...around you guys...I can't deny that I really don't think before I speak most of the time because I've grown to be so comfortable around you guys. Then he said that whenever he's rude, it's because he's doing it intentionally. Well, in a way, isn't that even worse? So that means that every time Jeffrey has said things to me that hurt my feelings...he did it on purpose? He purposely tried to hurt me? I mean, I just joke...and get carried away...at least it's not like I'm doing it on purpose. It's not like I wanted to hurt your feelings.

I can't have you guys think of me as any less than what I think of you guys. I can't be something less to you guys than what you guys are to me. I can't mean less to you guys than what you guys mean to me. I'm sorry...but that's just how I am and how I've always been. It's not the first day you guys have known me.

However, just because I can't forget about what you guys have done that hurt me doesn't mean that I haven't forgiven you for it. On the flip side, I don't think you guys will ever be willing to forgive me...for anything...especially Jeffrey.

At the game on Friday, I felt like a lost puppy. It sounds so pathetic, and I really hate to say it. I looked over and I saw Jason and Jeffrey together, but I couldn't go over to them. I really don't think they want me around anyway. I stood there on the track by myself. I don't become very close with a lot of people so I didn't really have anyone to talk to. Although it may not seem that way...it's true. I've always been like that. There are only a few people that I really open up to. I looked around and saw that everyone that I would normally strike up random conversations with was already with their normal group of friends. I was the only person that wasn't standing with at least one person next to me. That's when I realized how alone I was, and I could feel the tears filling my eyes. Some people would say that I brought this upon myself, and I agree to a certain extent. I've already explained myself in the earlier paragraphs.

I really wish that these tears would stop. I wish that I could be as strong as I would like to be and just go on with life as if nothing happened to me...just like how you guys have. The two of you will always have each other. I, on the other hand, am left with no one. Jason always says that I have plenty of "friends" and I always seem to be enjoying myself, but the happiest I've ever been is when I'm with the two of you. I just feel like I can be myself, and, honestly, I would give up all those "friends" and fake smiles and laughs if I could have you two back in my life again. I'd trade it all in...because you guys are all that I need. It's been proven.

I think that I'm finally done crying though...at least for tonight. Though you two may disagree, I think that I've repaid you two for everything that I've ever done to you because you two will never know how much I'm hurting. Try imagining it and then multiplying that by a really big number. Then do it again...and again until it's just beyond reality. That answer might be close to 1/100 of the pain I feel. Even if you guys find someone to replace me, just know that you guys will never be replaced...because it's just not possible. Once someone has found a place in my heart, it takes a lot to erase them, and neither one of you have done enough yet. If you ever need me, I'll be here. Even if you don't need me, I'll still be here. I mean it.

P.S. I love you.

I'm done.

♫ 原谅我 (Forgive Me) - Jam Hsiao

Since I'm still awake for some odd, unknown reason...~08.21.09

2009-08-21T04:12:00.010-04:00

I really don't know why I'm still up at 4AM...so I decided to create a list of things I want!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Yes, I really don't have anything better to do. Well, I could sleep...but...hehe! ^^;

What I want:

-Burberry Rain Boots

I was thinking about the classic design like shown in the picture above but then I saw these...

-Tote Bag for School

Not necessarily this particular one...I just searched up a random tote bag on google =P

-JS Wings in WHITE

Too bad I'll never find them in a size that fits me though...T_T

-Matching Tiffany Bracelets for Kris and Me ^^

-HTC Hero

This is definitely going to be my next phone. I'll be purchasing it soon. I think I'm going to get it in brown...not quite sure yet. Any thoughts? ^^;

Super Junior - 마주치지 말자 (Let's not...)~08.21.09

2009-08-21T02:40:00.003-04:00

I'll admit...I listened to this song for the first time today even though I've had the album for a while now. Boy, have I been missing out!!! This song is absolutely beautiful and breath-taking. T_T It breaks my heart when I listen to it, but the lyrics are LOVE.

Song with English subs and romanization

Super Junior performing "Let's Not..." and "Sorry Sorry" with subs!!!

Love~08.20.09

2009-08-20T15:21:00.003-04:00

Love. It's such a complex yet simple concept at the same time. Love has the power to make one do things they never thought of doing before. Love can make the most talkative person speechless. Love can make the most confident person nervous. Love can make the most sane person crazy. Love is...well, pretty amazing if you ask me.

I've been reading a lot from the love quotes thread on Soompi. It seriously makes me want to find that someone for me, but those things can't be rushed...so I'm just here waiting patiently for my prince charming to show up one day. It may take a day; it may take a lifetime, but I'll wait. Over time, I've realized that I'm one of those people that live for love. I live to fall in love. Haha! That sounds funny and maybe pathetic to some people, but it's true. I believe that loving and being loved is one of the best feelings one will ever encounter. I believe that when that day comes for me, I'll experience a type of happiness that I never even thought was possible.

Anyway, here's some love quotes that took my breath away. =P All credits to Soompi forums!

"One day you're gonna want that girl...
that girl that knew she wasn't perfect but tried to be for you.
that girl that sees your flaws but values them just as much as your strengths.
that girl that still can't bring herself to hate you even though you probably deserve it."

"Love without reason lasts the longest."

"We talked about old times, and it made me smile because you didn't forget."

"I smile even when it rains, because there's that one person who always makes me happy."

"If I could be any part of you, I’d be your tears. To be conceived in your heart, born in your eyes, live on your cheeks, and die on your lips."

"No smile is as beautiful as the one that struggles through tears."

"Even if I had five more days, five more years, five more lifetimes. You may have loved him longer, but it does not mean that I loved him any less."

"I kissed a dream the other night - it looked so much like you."

"My mommy told me I could be anything I want to...and I wanna be his girl."

"我只准你喜欢我不准你喜欢别人。"

That's it for now. There's a lot of others, but it'd take forever for me to post them all! XD If you have any favorites of your own, feel free to share them!!! Leave a comment or something. ^_^

Say what?! The Abercrombie & Fitch is now an outlet?! O__O~08.15.09

2009-08-15T23:21:00.002-04:00

My sister and I went to Wilmington today. ^_^ I didn't really want to buy anything...but..............^^;

We shopped around the mall for a couple hours. It was fun! We also met up with a couple of her friends that happened to be in Wilmington too. We ended up hearing some very entertaining and interesting stories. LMAO! XD

I ended up buying...:

-2 pairs of glasses
-2 tank tops from Forever21
-2 pairs of shorts from A&F (which is now an outlet!!! ^_^v)
-1 skirt from A&F
-1 top from A&F
-Teriyaki Chicken XD
-1 hoodie from VS
-2 liquid glitter eyeliners from VS

I haven't shopped in a while...and I couldn't resist the sale at A&F. ^^;

Oh yeah! I had more hazelnut iced tea today...YUMMY!!!!!!!! =D

Pictures! :) I camwhored a bit in the A&F fitting room, but here's only a couple from my camwhoring session. XD

Someone walked in on me when I was taking these because I forgot to lock the door XD

The infamous "cover your mouth and laugh" pose that nearly all Asian girls do =P

Me and My Hazelnut Iced Coffee ^_^

Life Lately...~08.14.09

2009-08-14T15:52:00.006-04:00

I guess I'll take a break from my cell phone wallpaper browsing and update my blog! Yay!!!

My friend is really starting to make me really angry because I'm trying to buy Britney Spears tickets, and I need to ask him questions...but he NEVER answers his phone!!! Why do you have a phone if you're never going to answer it? I mean, if he was in the middle of something, it would be much appreciated if he could just text me a reason for why he can't answer the phone or just simply pick up one of the fifty calls and tell me really quick the reason for why he can't talk or something...geez. It's ridiculous. I've been calling for HOURS...literally. GRRR!!! If he likes to ignore my calls, then he might as well just not go with me because this is seriously RIDICULOUS. Hmph!

...

Well...I'm home now and my friend STILL has not answered a single call or called me back. Wow...that seriously pisses me off. <_<

Back to happy things...I had hazelnut iced coffee last night! So good!!! I want some right now. T_T

Also, we've been pretty slow at work lately...and this is what goes on at work...lol XD

Here's an attempt at cooking that I made the other day...

Pepper Steak and Tomato

Noodles with Beef and Scallions

Last but not least, I'll share some of the cell phone wallpapers I found!!! I wish I could use ALL of them! SOOOOOOOO CUTE! ^^

My future boyfriend and I are gonna use these XD

2NE1...I love CL. ^_^

I LOVE KEY!!!!!!!!!!...

...and Taemin!!!

Last but NEVER least...HEECHUL!!! I love him...

Here's a picture for everyone...I had a lot of fun eating fortune cookies at work the other day, and I really liked this fortune. Fortune cookies make me happy. ^_^

It's My Best Friend's Birthday! Yay! ^_^~08.09.09

2009-08-09T00:22:00.001-04:00

WHAT THE QUA?! IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KRIS!!! I LOVE YOU! <3

So...here's a special post...JUST FOR YOU...and your awesomeness...^^; I just wanted you to know that I love you. If I was closer to you, I would totally bake you a cake...and chicken pot pie. ^^v I haven't decided on what to get you for your birthday yet, but you'll get something. I promise. =P For now, here's a song from me to you!

Haha! Memories...<3

我爱你! 生曰快乐! ^_^

Flood O__O~08.06.09

2009-08-07T01:04:00.001-04:00

Apparently, it was raining SUPER hard today. I didn't even realize it. It's been raining everyday for the past week. It's okay though because I love rain. <3

On my way to work, Western was flooded. That's one of our busiest and biggest roads here. It was kind of cool but dangerous, of course. It was like I could feel the water underneath the car. Thank goodness we didn't start floating. >_< I took a lot of pictures! I'll have to upload them later though.

Also, my friend's yard was flooded too, and I guess the lightning struck something at my boss's house because his 42" TV that he bought a little less than half a year ago and all the computers don't work anymore. They won't turn on, so I had help them call Best Buy. Someone is coming in on Tuesday to fix the TV. :)

Highlight of my day: LAST DAY OF MARCHING BAND BEING 8AM-5PM!!! ^_^v Finally, I can SLEEEEEP!!! Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...<(^_^<) <(^_^)> (>^_^)>

I learn something new every day...~08.05.09

2009-08-05T23:49:00.000-04:00

I've never been in a giant truck before. You know...the kind that brings around large amounts of...well, stuff. ^^; I got a chance to go inside one today!!! I never knew that it had SO much stuff inside. There was a bed, refrigerator, microwave, TV...you name it; there was probably one inside. It was like a mini apartment. I forgot my camera today though. T_T Such a bummer...I wanted to take pictures! *sigh* Oh well...:(

The driver was really nice though. I hope he has a safe trip. I was really excited that he let me go check out his truck. It was pretty awesome. Haha! I must sound like such a sheltered, small-town girl right now, but I really was pretty excited. It made my day. ^_^

Marching Band...Day 1 Outside~08.03.09

2009-08-04T00:11:00.001-04:00

*sigh*...MARCHING BAND.

It's the second week of band camp, and today was the first day the guard has joined the band outside in the morning. Thank goodness it wasn't hot this morning. ^^; I'm dreading tomorrow though...>.<

Lunch is always the best part of the day. I normally go out to lunch with my friend Cierra and her grandmother whom we refer to as Meme. She's so cute. ^_^ Today, we went to Red Robin. After we were done eating, we saw that we still had some time until we had to head back to Hell (a.k.a. band camp) so we went over to Barnes & Noble. I LOVE THAT PLACE! It's my favorite store in the mall. ^^; For some odd reason, I felt the urge to begin speaking with a British accent while I was in B&N, and it just stuck with me. I couldn't stop. -_- Hehe! It was fun though. :)

After band camp, I had to head straight to work. Lol! I was in exercising clothes and all my co-workers just kind of stared at me for a minute when they first saw me. I guess it kind of caught them off guard or something. Maybe it's because I always...ALWAYS wear a T-shirt and jeans to work. =P Oh well...they will see me in exercising clothes for the next three days, so I guess they will just have to get used to it or get over it. XD I got a little bored at work today, so I started answering the phones and talking to the customers with my British accent. It's weird. People seemed to be a lot nicer to me when I spoke with that accent. That managed to entertain me for a good while. I think I kept up that accent for about 3 hours...at least! Haha! Yes, I was REALLY bored. Also, I accidentally dropped an order, and it spilled all over the ground! >.< I felt so bad. The chef was nice enough to not get upset and made another one. Thank goodness my boss didn't see it. =P My co-worker stopped me from making it obvious that I did something wrong. I love my job. My co-workers are all so good to me. =D

My brother wanted to treat my family to dinner today. <3 We went to IHOP. ^^ My dad and one of my sisters couldn't make it though. My sister was at home sick, and my dad had to bring food home for her so it was only my mom, brother, other sister, and I that ended up going. It was fun, I guess. It would've been a lot better if my sister would've at least pretended like she wanted to be there. That made me so angry! I can't stand it when she acts like she doesn't want to be around us. We're her family! If she can go out with her friends all the time with the biggest smile on her face, then she better look extra super delighted when she goes out with family. She never spends time with us anyway. <_< *sigh* I was happy to be there though. It's the first time my brother has paid for us...I'm really proud of him. ^_^

Overall, it was a good day...^^

Pictures!!!

2009-08-03T23:30:00.001-04:00

The booth we sat in. :)

Yummy soup and salad...

Eel Sushi and Squid Salad...DELICIOUS

My Sushi <3

My Sister's Sushi...Haha! I got so much more than she did =P

TEMPURA <3

I'M DONE!!! ^_^v

We finished every last piece. ^_^ It was SOOOOOOOOOO good. I want more now. T_T

Yummy Sushi <3

2009-08-03T00:42:00.000-04:00

Today was an awesome day! My sister and I left for g-ville last night and spent the night at her apartment. She showed me this really neat book that was made up of a bunch of stuff like puzzles and riddles...basically things that make you think. It was fun! ^_^v Some of the things in it make you feel a bit dumb afterward though. >_<; We also watched Cinderella 3. Haha! I remember I loved it when I watched it the first time. I ended up falling asleep this time, but I was tired. ^^;

We headed to Japan Inn for brunch. It was AMAZING!!! All you can eat sushi...the catch is that you have to pay $0.50 for every piece that you don't finish, but no worries! We ate every last piece that we ordered!!! ^_^v It was a LOT of food, but it was definitely worth it. It was DELICIOUS! I can't wait to go there again. <3

I'll upload the pics later. Off to bed now!!! Good night! ^^