What have I done?~08.22.09

It wasn't until yesterday that it hit me hard. I finally knew how it felt to be alone. I finally knew how it felt without my friends. Jason and Jeffrey were my best friends; however, things aren't like that anymore. They still have each other, but they've both left me. At school, I have a lot of people that I talk to and get along with very well, but they are still only acquaintances in my eyes. Even though I can feel comfortable telling some of them things that are happening in my life...it's just not the same as how my friendship was with Jason and Jeffrey.

Jeffrey. I used to tell Jeffrey everything. He was the first person that would come to mind whenever something big or small happened in my life. He was the person I knew that I could count on and run to. It was a special connection that I never found with many people...if anyone. I'm not sure why or how it turned out to be like that, but that's just how it's always been. Even until this very moment, there are things that I've told Jeffrey that I haven't told anyone else. I knew that Jeffrey was always there for me, and I felt comfortable around him. Now, I'm scared to speak to him even though there is so much I want to tell him. I'm scared that maybe he just doesn't want to hear any of it anymore. I'm scared to talk to him about anything because I don't want him to get angry. I'm scared that I'll say the wrong thing. I'm scared to push him away even more. This picture of him really gets to me...it reminds me of how happy I was to see him open the gift I gave him...and to see him wearing a shirt that I gave him. I'll probably never get to see him wear that track jacket, hoodie, or any of the shirts again. Just the thought of it really makes me sad.

Jason. Jason and I have known each other since second grade. I think I can honestly say that I know him better than anyone else does. Jason was someone that I had planned on keeping in my life for the rest of my life; however, I've managed to push him away too. He put up with all my crap, and I know exactly why he did it. You know, it sounds a bit contradicting that I said that I wanted to keep him in my life forever, but I gave him crap and ended up pushing him away. Truth is...as stupid as it sounds...I really needed to know if he'd stay. I needed to know when he'd snap. I needed to know what his limit was...that way I'd never reach or go past it ever again. Sound dumb...I know. As expected, now that I found out the limit...I'll never even have the chance to get near it again because he won't forgive me. I understand...because I can't forgive myself either.

Outside of my family, Jason and Jeffrey were two of the most important people in my life. As a matter of fact, they still are. I love them. I would do anything for them...really, I would. I'm sorry for all the times I ever caused you guys to question how I really viewed our friendship. I think Jeffrey always knew that I'd do anything for him. Jason, on the other hand, often had second thoughts. I couldn't blame him though. Judging from the way I treated him, I would've questioned it, too, if I were him.

The past year was really crazy. Honestly, I don't know what in the world came over me. I was a totally different person from how I was before. I changed a lot. I became very insecure about our friendship. I was really scared of losing Jason and Jeffrey. My actions didn't show that though. It looked more like I was trying to get rid of them.

There were a lot of things that they did that hurt me though. What hurt even more was that they'd never understand why I was hurt or why it mattered. The thing is...everyone has different things that are important to them. What's important to one person may not be to someone else. Kris said something to me this morning...she said that your friends don't always have to agree with you, but they should at least respect what's important to you. She said that she wouldn't want to have friends that just thought that she was wrong all the time and didn't respect what she felt was important. Jason and Jeffrey never understood why certain things were so important to me. They actually became very frustrated because I kept getting upset over things that they'd do because I saw it as a big deal, but they didn't. We see different things as being important...but isn't that expected? Everyone has different things that matter to them. I don't like being left out. I really don't. That whole Kings Dominion trip really got to me. I'm not going to lie. At first, I thought I was okay with it...but it hit me hard. I mean...if you really think about it...it doesn't really matter to me that it may have not been intentional...fact is...you planned around everyone's schedule and then refused to plan around mine. That's what I can't get over. I mean...you do realize that we have until November 1st to use those tickets. I mean...now that you guys have all used your tickets, am I supposed to expect you guys to go again with me? I still have that ticket in my wallet. What hurt even more was when Jason said that it was the same without me there. Speaking of which, Kris also said that stuff like this has happened to her before...and she just realized that it wasn't worth it if they didn't want her there. To think that you guys didn't even want me there enough to change the date really hurts too.

Maybe you think that I'm taking this all the wrong way, but seriously...try to look at this from my point of view...completely. You really can't blame me for thinking of it like that. Also, you guys always say that we've become this way because of me. If I'm not even important enough for you guys to change a date, how is it possible that all this happened because of me? How can I have such a huge effect on you guys? There's really no way that this is all one person's fault, which is why even though I am willing to apologize for all the wrong things I've done...I still refuse to take all the blame for it. It's like nobody ever thought about looking at it from another view...even I didn't think of this before.

Did you ever think that instead of me pushing you guys away...maybe you guys have been slowly pushing me away? It's really an eye-opener. For the longest time, I totally agreed with you guys. I thought that it was all my fault, so I thought of ways I could change. Then this hit me one day...and I pondered for a long time.

Jeffrey, I'll never be able to forget about that whole thing at China Garden. I'll never forget how much it hurt to sit there and listen to you yelling at me...in front of everyone...in public. Truthfully, I don't think that you ever really realized how wrong it was. I know you apologized and all...but I'm not sure that you know exactly why you apologized. I feel like you apologized because it seemed necessary. How could you yell at me and then sit down next to me and talk to me like you really cared about how I felt five minutes later? Me saying that probably makes you angry, but, seriously, think about it. If you really cared about how I felt, you wouldn't have yelled at me like that at that time and location in the first place. It's true. I can't think or talk about that day without tearing up...every single time. Yes, it hurt that much. One more thing...I think I was so upset because...I felt like all these girls found a place in your heart before I ever did...or ever will. It was all so effortless for them. I really felt like they could take my best friend from me in the blink of an eye or snap of a finger. That really scared me, and turns out...I was right to be scared...because what I felt was correct.

Jason, I'm really mad that you're turning into something so much like Jeffrey. There's things that you've done that hurt me too...and you know exactly what they are because I told you. You still never understood why I was hurt...but then again...that's pretty much the same deal with the both of you. I'm tired of hearing you say that you couldn't think of anything that you guys have ever done that could've pushed me away. That's saying that it's all my fault...just in different words. That's telling me that I've caused everything, which I really believe is impossible. Sure, I've done things that I shouldn't have done...and I've said things that I shouldn't have said...but haven't you guys done the same? Jeffrey once asked me if I think before I speak...and really...around you guys...I can't deny that I really don't think before I speak most of the time because I've grown to be so comfortable around you guys. Then he said that whenever he's rude, it's because he's doing it intentionally. Well, in a way, isn't that even worse? So that means that every time Jeffrey has said things to me that hurt my feelings...he did it on purpose? He purposely tried to hurt me? I mean, I just joke...and get carried away...at least it's not like I'm doing it on purpose. It's not like I wanted to hurt your feelings.

I can't have you guys think of me as any less than what I think of you guys. I can't be something less to you guys than what you guys are to me. I can't mean less to you guys than what you guys mean to me. I'm sorry...but that's just how I am and how I've always been. It's not the first day you guys have known me.

However, just because I can't forget about what you guys have done that hurt me doesn't mean that I haven't forgiven you for it. On the flip side, I don't think you guys will ever be willing to forgive me...for anything...especially Jeffrey.

At the game on Friday, I felt like a lost puppy. It sounds so pathetic, and I really hate to say it. I looked over and I saw Jason and Jeffrey together, but I couldn't go over to them. I really don't think they want me around anyway. I stood there on the track by myself. I don't become very close with a lot of people so I didn't really have anyone to talk to. Although it may not seem that way...it's true. I've always been like that. There are only a few people that I really open up to. I looked around and saw that everyone that I would normally strike up random conversations with was already with their normal group of friends. I was the only person that wasn't standing with at least one person next to me. That's when I realized how alone I was, and I could feel the tears filling my eyes. Some people would say that I brought this upon myself, and I agree to a certain extent. I've already explained myself in the earlier paragraphs.

I really wish that these tears would stop. I wish that I could be as strong as I would like to be and just go on with life as if nothing happened to me...just like how you guys have. The two of you will always have each other. I, on the other hand, am left with no one. Jason always says that I have plenty of "friends" and I always seem to be enjoying myself, but the happiest I've ever been is when I'm with the two of you. I just feel like I can be myself, and, honestly, I would give up all those "friends" and fake smiles and laughs if I could have you two back in my life again. I'd trade it all in...because you guys are all that I need. It's been proven.

I think that I'm finally done crying though...at least for tonight. Though you two may disagree, I think that I've repaid you two for everything that I've ever done to you because you two will never know how much I'm hurting. Try imagining it and then multiplying that by a really big number. Then do it again...and again until it's just beyond reality. That answer might be close to 1/100 of the pain I feel. Even if you guys find someone to replace me, just know that you guys will never be replaced...because it's just not possible. Once someone has found a place in my heart, it takes a lot to erase them, and neither one of you have done enough yet. If you ever need me, I'll be here. Even if you don't need me, I'll still be here. I mean it.










































P.S. I love you.

I'm done.

♫ 原谅我 (Forgive Me) - Jam Hsiao